To have or not to have....seeking Christian counsel, advice and wisdom

to have....a baby? Ok, so what's a girl to do who just turned 38, has never been married and her "clock" is alarming? This is something that I've struggled with now for at least the last five years--seriously. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a wife and Mom. It's not that I haven't had any serious, long-term relationships, two to speak of, but so far neither has resulted in a lifetime commitment. And yet, my alarm clock is sounding.

I've prayed about this topic so many times and haven't ever really felt a definite "go for it" or "what are you thinking? Are you crazy?" response from my Heavenly Father. I feel as though He's allowed me several different scenarios to consider, not the least of which is how absolutely difficult (at best) being a single Mom (by choice) would be! We're talking experiencing pregnancy all alone (well, without a husband to share the good and bad times), and who will rush me to the hospital on the blessed day of the baby's arrival? Would I be able to drive myself--alone? Would my Mom or sisters already be here to drive me? How about all the newborn demands of midnight feedings, diaper changes, and then getting up for the day and again being to sole provider for this precious being? It seems very overwhelming when you consider all of the demands with little to no "relief." But oh the joys of a newborn and the opportunities that come with being a Mommy! Sure there will be sleepless nights and restless days, but I still believe the good times will far outweigh the demanding, exhausting times. Right? What about having to go back to work? There'd be absolutely no option of being a "stay-at-home Mom" if I became a single Mom--alone. I'd have no choice but to have to work. Ok, so I'm in healthcare...how about daycare for my weekend shifts? How easy or manageable will that be? I'm sure I could find someone to watch my baby one weekend a month, but would I have to "settle" for anyone I can find who would be available? Oh, trust me, I definitely wouldn't be leaving my baby with just anyone! What kind of mother would? I don't have any family locally, so no chance for grandparents or aunts and uncles to take over one weekend a month. Ok, so you might say these are just details....everyone faces them and somehow God just seems to work it all out--for the good of all....remember Romans 8:28. I truly believe it is God's will for me to be a wife and a Mommy. I've felt this conviction since I was probably about 11 years old.

I've been to a fertility doctor for advice and wisdom on this topic too. I hesitated to even go, thinking I was trying too hard, or taking matters into my own hands, and not trusting God in His infinite wisdom to fulfill the desires of my heart in His time....and in His way. But a trusting friend encouraged me saying that "Knowledge is power. Go!" My first appointment was in late September 2007. The Friday before my appointment, I was at the Women of Faith Conference with one of my best friends in Denver, CO. The fertility clinic called me on my cell phone to remind me of my appointment first thing Monday am. I considered cancelling the appointment when they called to remind me of my scheduled appointment, but something told me not to cancel--at least go and get information. I wanted to know what my options were at that point. I was still 36 then. The doctors were so friendly, and non-judgemental. I kept apologizing for being there a single, never-been-married person seeking fertility options. But they quickly reassured me that there was no judgement there and that I was just as "entitled" to receive information and to know my options as anyone else. I wanted to know things like, really, how scary is it that I'm only getting older, and my "eggs are mutating by the minute," what's involved with a sperm donor, costs, profiles, and what about freezing some of my eggs for use later? At that time, my doctor felt sure that I probably wouldn't have any trouble conceiving a child since I was still "relatively" young, and my Mom and my sister (with children) didn't have any trouble conceiving or carrying to term their babies. But she did suggest we do an ultrasound to see just where we stood regarding my eggs.....Heaven only knew you could do such a thing! I was so nervous, and yet, so excited to hopefully get some reassurance that I didn't have anything to worry about. That I still had "plenty of time."

Ultrasound. Ok, so as soon as the doctor begins the ultrasound, she says, "Oh my." Well, I knew enough to know THAT wasn't a good sign--or any kind of reassurance. She continued. "You have a large cyst on your left ovary. Have you been cramping? Do you pee a lot?" Well, of course I cramp--don't most women around that time of the month? And as far as peeing a lot, isn't that relative? But yes, for the record, I seem to go pretty frequently. I know, way more than you probably wanted to read or know, sorry. I'm just trying to keep it real. I want some honest advice and encouragement and I truly believe that you need the whole story to understand where I'm coming from. So, then she begins taking measurements and proceeds to tell me that there are a couple of egg follicles that she can see within the cyst on my left ovary, but believes that the cyst is encompassing my entire left ovary, so she can't be sure of the exact number of follicles present. Thankfully the right ovary was perfect! She saw several follicles there, and said that's a great sign! However, back to the "cyst." She said the fertility discussions were going to have to go on the backburner until we take care of this "cyst." Well, by now I'm a ball of nerves and have begun to cry--sob is more appropriate. Of course I'm totally alone at this appointment and I felt so scared and....alone. Next she begins discussing my referral to a Gynecologic/Oncologist and gets me scheduled with him for the following week. She said this "needed to be addressed immediately." What was most concerning is that I had gone to my annual check-up just six weeks prior to the appointment at the fertility clinic and there was no "sign" of this "large cyst" at that time. When she discovered it, it was 6 cm x 9 cm. My clothes weren't fitting me properly and I kept buying new pants, but before I could even cut the tags off, they would be snug to zip or button. I knew something wasn't right about that! Plus, my stomach seemed to be bulging out (much more than normal). I just figured I'd been eating too much. (My boyfriend noticed I'd been eating a lot more during that time.)

Gynecologic/Oncologist. Ok, my boyfriend joined me for this appointment--thank you Honey! I definitely didn't want to go there alone. The doctor did his exam and confirmed that definitely there was a "tumor" inside me, most likely consuming my entire left ovary.....and that I needed surgery to remove it. He suspected it was a mucocystadenoma, which is fast-growing and is sometimes cancerous---but they wouldn't know until they got the final pathology report back following surgery.

Skip ahead....ok, so three weeks later, 10/22/07, I had my left ovary and left Fallopian tube removed. Thank you Jesus---it was benign!!! Hallelujah! So "Thorn" as I named her, weighed a little over 1 pound, and as the doctor expected it did encompass my entire left ovary. My doctor assures me that I can just as easily get pregnant with just my right ovary as if I had both ovaries. But I'll never forget what he told my boyfriend and I at that appointment. "You need to wait 3 months after your surgery before trying to get pregnant. But I wouldn't wait much longer." Ok, that was alarming! We had probably 30 questions to go over with this doctor about the surgery, complications, outcomes, hospital admission vs. outpatient...yeah, right, I was there for 3.5 days!, prognosis, etc. He was ever so kind, and patient with every single question/answer. His statement replays in my mind, over and over...I'll never forget what he said to us about not waiting much longer than the initial three months post-operatively. I needed clarification on his statement. So at my six week post-op appointment, my boyfriend and I went together and I asked what he meant by his statement prior to my surgery. What is "not to wait much longer" because the tumor may come back to the right ovary, or was is because I'm "getting old." He said because of my age. He said it is highly unlikely that the tumor would return. Thank you again, Jesus!!

So fast-forward, it's now been 18 months since my surgery and I'm still not engaged, still not married, and still childless.....oh, and now I'm 38! My boyfriend thinks I'm obsessed with the "idea" of being a wife and Mom and that this dream has become my god. I beg to differ, and think it's more of a concern to me, because as we all know, girls only have so many eggs, and so long to procreate, unlike men. Plus I have half of my "parts" now, so that gives me added concern.

I met a friend from work who is a single Mom--via a sperm donor. I felt immediately empowered to meet someone who has already walked this path. She gave me so much helpful information too! (By the way, she's now the proud Momma of a little boy!) And, she's even found someone to babysit him on weekends when she has to work. She also doesn't have any family in town to help her. I've asked several friends and family for advice on this topic...what to do? Am I just being overly paranoid about losing my "opportunity," or should I move forward and try to fulfill my dreams on my own via a sperm donor? That's certainly not my "ideal" way of becoming a parent, but if I have to do that or risk not ever being able to be pregnant and bear a child, then I'm ready to sign-up STAT!

What about the judgements people would make against me to be a single, sperm-donor Mom? I guess people are going to talk about you regardless of your circumstances, and if this feels "right" in my heart to pursue, I guess I should rest in knowing that I'm in God's will if this is where He's leading me. Right?

I've even discussed this with my pastor who was a little taken aback by the topic, but was honest in his answers and actually advised me to talk to another church member who knew of an aquaintance who'd conceived by a sperm donor. I actually met with that person who also used a sperm donor and she was absolutely happy with her outcome and advised me to follow my heart. She said that people who know and love me, know how much I want to be a Mommy, and those people (the ones who 'count' to me) would love me and support me (and the new baby).

I've discussed my interest in the sperm donor path with my family too. I have absolutely 100% support from all of my family and most of my friends too. I think they're probably feeling a bit nervous about my quickly-closing window of opportunity too.

I've considered adoption and went to a church meeeting to learn more about it. However, I was very disappointed to hear that as a "single" person, it'd be very difficult for me to adopt a white, healthy child, but that if I wanted to pursue an adoption, I'd probably find a baby from overseas much faster than an American one. I felt so sad and defeated. I wanted to say, "It's not MY fault I'm not married so I could even try to conceive naturally!" Well, maybe it is my fault?? I guess that could be another blog topic?

I know this post is all over the place, but after reading about the pain, judgement and alienation that my sweet blog friend, "B" has endured throughout her Christian, single pregnancy and the upcoming events she's facing....I wanted to share some of my concerns from a different angle on Christian singles seeking to be a Mommy.

In His Grip,
Dawna