Ok, so I've been thinking about my last post all day. If I had to sit down and list (I love lists you know!) of the concerns (or "cons" you might say) I have about NOT pushing forward with the sperm donor.
1. Absolutely my biggest concern is feeling like I'm not trusting God to fulfill the desires of my heart. God alone knows how deeply I want to be a Mommy. And the Bible tells us what is true. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-5 Perhaps I'm not delighting myself enough or leaning on God ALONE to fulfill my dreams and give me the desires of my heart. Maybe I'm trying too hard on my own, in my own strength, to make my dreams come true??? As a Christian, a Believer in Christ, isn't His Love all that I need anyway? Why do I continue to feel this strong, strong maternal pull towards motherhood? Is it just because I'm a girl? I don't think so. Is it just because my clock is ticking and I'm reaching my "prime?" I don't think it's entirely this point because for as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a wife and a Mom. But yes, in the past several years, my anxiety level has definitely heightened over the reality of my "advancing age" and limited number of eggs remaining. Infertility is everywhere--not just in "older" people, but even the younger ones too! I've missed the best years of conceiving a healthy child, but realize that I still have at least a small window of time left---I hope! But truthfully, I don't have forever.
Is it not trusting God if I pursue a sperm donor to allow me to be a Mommy? The truth is that there are many successful single-parent families in our world today and back in the Bible days. But is that the best plan, more importantly, God's plan? What about the little babies and children that are orphaned following a horrible accident and tragedy? Wouldn't God want those sweet children to have two parents too? Sometimes the widowed parent remarries, sometimes they don't.
2. Am I being just selfish? What about the baby's point-of-view? I've already decided that if I pursue the donor route, I would choose a man with an "Open Donor" status. This means that if/when the child turns 18, the child would have the option to contact the sperm bank and receive the donor/father's name. This is not a guarantee that they'll be able to officially "contact" the biological father, but at least it's a start. I would want my baby to know from the beginning, that their father was a noble person who willingly donated themselves to produce their sweet little life! However, I feel a bit selfish denying my potential baby of even the option (at least initially--who knows if I may meet someone down the road) of having a "father." What about a family tree? I'm so interested in my own geneology. I would be ashamed (I think) to start a family tree for my child and have one-half of it filled in so completely and the father and that whole side "blank" or Father: Donor #223553, etc... Ok, yes, I'm trying to consider all scenarios....I'm a planner, much to my own dismay. But I do want to consider and PRAY about all possibilities, if I can.
3. What about my current relationship with G? He knows how desperately I want to be married and to have children, but he hasn't felt God's peace upon us moving forward....and it's been more years than I can to disclose. I absolutely love him--no doubt, but I feel as though I'm potentially losing my fertility while I wait for some Godly wisdom to befall us. G has always told me to follow God and where I feel He's leading me. I love his faith, it's one of the qualities that originally attracted me to him; and one of the most important qualities to me in a future husband/father. Although I'm not 100% convinced or convicted that "this" is the route (sperm donor) God wants me to choose, I do feel God's hand upon my heart and in this journey--without question. G has supported me over and over in living my life the way I feel God is leading me. He knows how seriously I'm considering this option. I told him I felt certain he'd completely dismiss himself from our relationship if I choose this plan/route. But he told me, through tears, that he wasn't sure what he'd do exactly, but that he'd follow God's will whatever He wanted him to do. G is confident that we are exactly where God wants us to be in our "loosely-defined" relationship.
4. Some have suggested that perhaps G and I should part ways and I should allow myself time to heal, mourn and grow in my trust and faith in God apart from G....and see where He leads me next. But to continue where we are will just continue to prevent both of us from possibly meeting the person God has chosen for each of us. And, maybe, just maybe, in time it'll turn out to be G and I afterall? But maybe not....I just want to do the right thing, God's will whatever that may be! It's so hard and heartbreaking to think about letting go of all you've known for many, many years. But life is short and we have to live each day to the fullest.
These are my concerns....my fears. I feel so "conflicted" over what to do with my life. I don't want to live my life regretting what "might have been." There are just no guarantees in this earthly life. But I do know one thing for sure, I have a loving Father in heaven who loves me so much He gave his only begotten Son to die just for me, for ALL of us! And that LOVE can never be replaced by anyone, not even a baby!
please feel free to comment.....
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